I haven't fallen. My legs are made of lead and ache all the time, my knees round balls of pain, but I have not fallen. My chest is on fire when I breathe and my back corresponds, but I haven't fallen. My stomach is weak and I can't stomach much, yet I've not fallen. But it's getting harder and harder to stand when everything hurts. Everything. My body full of pain that keeps me lying awake late nights, which is when my soul full of pain does it's hardest biting. I'm still standing, but it keeps getting harder.
It's getting harder to smile when I feel so deeply broken inside. Harder to laugh and try to overcome this apathy towards life. Harder to look my family in the eye although I've for once done no wrong. It hurts. Everything, life, it hurts.
I wasn't happy strung out. No matter how delusional I could get, I never believed I was happy. What I got from heroin wasn't happiness, and I didn't use it to be happy. I used it as the painkiller it is. Used it so I had numbness to look forward to no matter how bad life hurt.
I don't know how to explain it to someone who isn't an addict- yes, the drugs made me miserable, but they also made my misery okay. Even though they hurt just like this does, the drugs gave my pain a cause and purpose and the idea that if I ever quit, I could be truly happy and I would feel free- and the promise of numbness until the end. Now I've quit, but the pain hasn't.
I just need one moment, Higher Power, one glimmer that this is worth the constant pain of my broken soul and breaking body. One sign that there is light at the end of this tunnel I have found myself in. The light I was using to guide my way has gone out, I need a new one. The only light I see nearby is flame, and that is what I am running from. The flame is familiar though and growing closer to my consciousness.
Please, give me a sign- and some railings, something strong I can grab to save my life.
I think the sign you crave is right in front of your eyes. Every picture you put up is greeted with several comments from people expressing how deeply moved they are by your strength. You have people from all over the country, the WORLD, who see you as a beacon of hope. At the times you feel the worst, doubting yourself, unsure of your decision to keep fighting, you need to remember these people. Remember that through your story and now your commitment to a better, heroin-free life, people's lives have been changed forever.
ReplyDeleteAnd mine, my dear friend, is most certainly one of them.
You want a sign? Let my friendship serve as just one of many signs that you are important. You matter to me. Because of you, I started to see the world through new, more understanding eyes.
I know I've said this before, but thank you for everything. I sincerely care about you and continue to think about you and send positive thoughts your way.